Sunday, November 20, 2005

Just What the Hell is Going On?

Okay, this post has been brewing for a while. I've been busy with deadlines, and in between, keeping up on the usual blogs I visit.

I have not been happy about what I'm reading.

It is sad and disheartening to constantly read about everyone's trials and tribulations, and I'm going to name names.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about your problems. I'm just so sad that these things are happening to you all. I have never met any of you IRL, yet I read your words, which often times are things so raw your blogs are the only place you can really get these sentiments out. So while I may not know you, I am reading your deepest, darkest ickiest stuff about the most intimate details of your lives. This makes an impact on me; in a way, I do know all of you, I'm reading and I'm empathizing.

Thalia just went through her first round of IFV, which didn't work, which she got to find out through the early arrival of her crimson bitch. The beta came back at 5, just to kind of hammer it home in case the cramps and blood left any doubt. Well, that absolutely sucks. I'm hoping the numbers go down and this clears up so she can try again, with better results. How about that? Is that too much to ask for?

Manuela is embarking on her first IVF round (Yay! Go Manuela & Atilla!) which is exciting, but also dealing with the aftermath of being adopted...No small thing to shrug off. Who needs this agita? Yet there it is, to be digested and dealt with, like very dry bread. You have my support... You seem to be a strong and self possessed woman and no doubt the challenges throughout your life have contributed greatly to your abilities to adapt, but I'm wishing you a vacation nonetheless.

Katie and her Partner have just gone through their first round of IVF, which failed. It's such a perfect thing to do... Partner is being stimulated and the embryos are transferred to Katie to bear for the nine months. When you're a lesbian, I couldn't think of a more lovely way to start a family. I just want it to work for both of you. Please don't give up. Try again when the time is right for you both.

Kath has had to endure yet another miscarriage. Such a tease at life, taken away without an answer as to why. It must truly be maddening, I just don't know how you cope. Yet what is the alternative? Completely losing it? Not much of an alternative, although I'm sure there are times when we all must think and feel that we're a hair's breadth away from just snapping. Please hang in there and try to get some rest. I'm glad you're keeping busy - it's a fantastic way to deal, but treat yourself well.

My heart also aches for Katie in NY. With both male and female IF factors involved, they recently went through their first IVF attempt with the needed benefit of a grant. Horrifically, the attempt failed and they were informed by their RE that there's really nothing else to do. If that doesn't sound hopeless, I don't know what does. It's just ridiculously unfair.

mm had her latest IVF fail, with a laundry list of varied attempts and complications behind her. Is this really necessary? Can't someone cut this woman some slack? And in dealing throughout all this crap, she's still able to post savory recipes. More power to you, hon.

Amyesq. is trying to cope with the obscenely slow process that is International adoption. Yes, she'll be a mom...Someday...And I'm sure the wait is agonizing.

Fisher Queen has had the fantastic news that she qualifies for financing that will cover the costs of 6 IVF cycles for the price of 1, with a money back guarantee. While this is very good, it wasn't too long ago that things were looking bad. Who's to say if things can turn from bad to good they can't turn back to bad again? Ah, infertility uncertainty! Couldn't you just die? I'm keeping fingers and thumbs crossed for you (as well as everyone else in my little diatribe).

Karen has also gone though Heck trying to bring a little wee one into this world with no results. She is adopting her daughter Maya from China, who hopefully she'll be able to meet this Spring. Of course there could be a delay, too, but what's a girl to do? Her dad just had a quintuple bypass and is recovering. I guess fate just wanted to throw her another ball, just in case she got relaxed with the whole adoption thing. Because you know how easy it is to "just adopt."

Emily seems to be losing hope in the battle against infertility. I hope there is a solution out there for her, and soon. It just seems like this constant, ever ending uphill battle sucks the life force out of you. I can't imagine why... Hey universe - how about a little help? Hello...?

April, as of Friday the 18th of November has had spotting and bright red blood on day 8 after IUI. I'm hoping to God it's just implantation bleeding and not the end of her dreams. Can't a girl get a break?

Vivien is very new to the wonderful world of blogs so we should give her a lovely welcome. And what brings her to Bloglandia, you ask? Why, finding a way to process her 5th miscarriage. I'm so sorry, dear. Support groups didn't do much for me, but the support I have received from these women (and seen given and received all over Bloglandia) has been an incredible source of comfort. We're here for you, too.

This is aggravating for me because I don't know why such a fine group of women, who all so clearly want to be mothers with the best possible intentions have to face such difficulties. Of course it's not fair, and not one of you deserve it. But deserve has nothing to do with any of this. For whatever reason or bizarre fluke, this is what you've got to deal with. I cannot begin to tell you how much it hurts me that you must struggle with this on a constant basis. I'm so very sorry, but I am there... For you all. It's amazing that Bloglandia has yielded such a fantastic support system. Thankfully, we can all write about what we're going through, and so many wonderful people come out of nowhere to offer kind words of support, wisdom, sympathy, empathy. It really does help. I just wish we could offer more; wave that magic wand and - hey! Look at that! You're pregnant! And it's not going anywhere for a good nine months! A healthy child for you to love, rear and guide throughout it's life. I can't understand that you all who so very want a child, and would be great moms can't quite get there, and there are unwanted and unloved children being born into this world by parents who regard these little miracles as burdens. How the hell does that work? I'm sorry, I'll just never understand it.

I've never been in your shoes, any of you. I am not infertile, I don't know what it's like and I can't pretend to understand. We are not in the same boat, and I don't presume to be. I only know what it's like to deal with my own situation.

I clearly remember attending a baby shower for a cousin (let's say, Stacey) in 1999. This is a girl who has a lot: multi-millionaire parents with a company she'll one day inherit, a nice husband, pretty, nauseatingly thin, and was the standard for my mother to compare us to growing up. As she sat at her shower, a kind, sweet girl surrounded by family in her stylish outfit, not having gained an ounce that wasn't baby, my eyes welled up and I excused myself to the bathroom where I threw myself a little pity party. I cried and couldn't even imagine myself in a similar situation. Mr. Right and I were on a break, I knew I would have a challenge having a healthy baby, and just never thought I'd ever be happily married and expecting. Being there was a reminder of what I didn't have, what I didn't know, couldn't know I'd ever have. It was just painful to have that rubbed in my face. Of course, R & I got back together and married in 2001, with a relationship better and stronger than it ever had been. But throughout TTC, every time we saw a baby, it was a reminder of what we so wanted but didn't know if we would ever have. I hated people saying "Don't worry, it will happen." Oh, really? Will it? And you know this how? Are you privy to the secrets of the universe? It's amazing that people give this statement as support. They just can't imagine how aggravating it is. Of course if you try to tell them, you're just being hormonal or irrational. Damnit to hell!

I am, gratefully and most thankfully pregnant. I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow. Yet I would not be here without the gracious donation my cousin A made of her eggs. Okay, so I'll never have a biological child. I'll never get to see what a combination of mine and my husband's features or traits will yield. I'll have to hide a smile if anyone tells me my son has my eyes. Or shrug if I'm told he looks nothing like me. (My prepared answer for this is "look at my husband: he doesn't look anything like his parents"). Big deal. As my therapist has said, I placed a priority over having a child and that was to have a child without the disease I'm a carrier for. At this point, my husband and I know how lucky we are, how fortunate and how blessed to have even gotten this far. I will never forget it, because geez louise! it was hard. So I am one of the very lucky ones. I know it and I'm grateful every day.

What I really wish for in my heart of hearts is for all the rest of you to join me, by whatever means will work: IUI, IVF, egg donation, adoption - anything. The saying misery loves company is true, but so is the inverse: Joy loves company, too. I would like nothing more than for all of you to achieve the joy to have what you have all worked so very hard for. That is my wish, and it will remain so until you all have what you desire. Until then, I will continue to hope and pray for you all. I don't know if that will work, but reading your blogs has brought tears to my eyes and made me laugh out loud. I just wish I could do more to help. Good night, and good luck.

12 Comments:

At 11/21/2005 3:02 PM, Blogger Vivien said...

What a lovely post. I only just found your blog, but shall come back!
All the best with your baby, and you are right about the 'it will happen' - can be very aggravating indeed!

 
At 11/21/2005 3:06 PM, Blogger April said...

This was beautiful. Thank you for your support, it makes the madness and heartbreak so much more bearable.

 
At 11/22/2005 10:59 AM, Blogger Karen said...

It does seem as though the blogosphere has been hit extra hard lately. I always wish I could do more than just express sympathy.

 
At 11/22/2005 11:06 AM, Blogger Emily said...

Thank you. What a lovely post. I really appreciate your support.

 
At 11/22/2005 4:40 PM, Anonymous Manuela said...

AWWW! Hon'.... thanks so much for your support... what a beautiful post.

(But that doesn't mean I won't stop bugging you for the coat of arms! wink)

 
At 11/24/2005 9:14 AM, Blogger fisher queen said...

Anna, your comments have always been among my favorites, and then to read this just shows all the more how sweet you are. It's so nice to be with you in the blogosphere.
You may not be infertile, but you've had more than your share of heartbreak. You know how precious a baby is, and you'll be a better mother because of it. I can't wait to join you in your joy. Hugs.

 
At 11/27/2005 2:49 PM, Anonymous mm said...

Thank you so much for the kind words. You have no idea how much it means to know that you're thinking of me, of all of us who are still "in the room" as another blogger (can't remember which one) once put it.

 
At 11/28/2005 10:23 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Thanks for the wishes Anna, I really appreciate your support. And I think you've earnt a role in the infertile blogosphere through your experiences with your termination, your IVFs and the egg donation, even though you're not officially 'infertile.'

Thanks again.

 
At 12/01/2005 2:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just stumbled upon your blog last night. Your honesty and willingness to share your story is inspiring.

I have a beautiful 9 year old boy named Cooper who is in the last stages of Adrenoleukodystrophy. He has been vegetative for over a year now.

I wish I had known I was a carrier so I could have prevented passing on my mutant genes.

Congratulations on your healthy pregnancy. I shall be watching your progress...

Kathryn

 
At 12/01/2005 2:13 PM, Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Oh dear. You've made me cry. To top it off, the song on the radio, "Love Will Guide You Home" (Deadman) just topped things off. I can't tell you how much this blog world has come to mean to me, and your post just highlighted the very real community we have here. Thank you. Thank you.

 
At 12/03/2005 5:06 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Anna, thank you for your lovely comment. I certainly understand that everyone who goes through DE has their own decisions to make about how or if they tell people and who. The counselling has been intrusive and I initially resented it as a hoop to jump through. Maybe I am even starting to like it!

Good luck to you on your journey to motherhood.

 
At 12/12/2005 7:18 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

Found you via Karen @ Missed Conceptions. I agree, it is so hard, and so damn unfair. I'm tired after 8 years of IF (IVF #1 resulted in first child, now doing IVF #4 for elusive second child). I sometimes wonder what the purpose, what the lesson is. The only thing that gets me through is that the child I have now (and the child I will hopefully have sometime soon) are the kids I was meant to have, the family I was meant to have, and if I didn't take this hard, long, awful journey, I wouldn't have my son in my life, and I wouldn't trade him for any other kid. But it still sucks...

 

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