17 Weeks, 2 Days

That was where we were in our first pregnancy when we terminated. It was such a horrific experience, to willingly end our son's life that I will take steps, via tubal ligation, to make sure it never happens again. The nursing and hospital staff were wonderful and sensitive, as well as my OB, but no one ever wants to be in that position, trust me. I joined a support group, once, but it was for mothers who had lost their children before or shortly after birth. This was not the same thing. I felt dreadful for these women, because to miscarry a child and not know why is maddening. We made a decision and carried it through. It was bitter and painful, but we know we did the right thing. In the news letters I get from the prenatal loss organization, there are letters to the children they've lost on various milestones - birthdays, Christmasses, etc. I cannot do that, because to think, 'he would have been a year today', or 'what would he be doing now', or 'he'd be starting school today' would also have to be followed by 'When would we start to notice?' 'Would the symptoms have started to show now?' 'When would he have started to need a wheelchair?' 'When would the vegetative state start?' 'How long would he last?' And the reason we ended our son's life before birth was to prevent him from living a life in a body that would be come a prison for him. A short, miserable prison.

Do we miss him, our little Ben? Every day. I wish with all my heart that he had not had this cursed gene. But he did, and we did what we felt was right. Because I know that were we to see our son suffer in such a way, we would do anything to change it, take it away, prevent it. And that's what we did.

Today I am 17 weeks, 2 days pregnant with my second son. This child will not have the disease we have tried so hard to prevent passing on, because my cousin was so generous as to donate her eggs to us. She is not a carrier for adrenoleukodystrophy. Our son will not be condemned to die a slow painful death, at least, not from ALD. Sure, there are other problems in our family that will crop up: vison impairment, heart disease, cancer, alcoholism. We're not looking for a genetically superior child - we just wanted to prevent this one, terrible thing from being passed on. My child will not have my DNA, but that is such a tiny price to pay to ensure my son will be ALD free. A price I'd gladly pay again and again.

Mr. Right is somewhat 'sensitive' to things that are not seen or heard in the normal course of events. Two nights ago Mr. R had a visitation from Ben, who told him that he, Ben, wasn't ready for the first body but he was ready now.

You may take that with a grain of salt if you wish, after all, we have no proof. I have had visitations myself (only two), and it is quite different from a dream. It's hard to explain; one of those things that you need to experience to understand. I know that I would like to believe it and I choose to do so. Of course, I've seen enough of Mr. R's feelings and intuitions to see how many times he's been right. We're thrilled that our son's soul is coming back to us, into a body that will be better equipped for whatever it is he needs to accomplish in this life. We will give him the name we intended all along. Its his, after all... Our little Benjamin. [Henceforth referred to as "the Bee."]