Wednesday, November 02, 2005

17 Weeks, 2 Days

That was where we were in our first pregnancy when we terminated. It was such a horrific experience, to willingly end our son's life that I will take steps, via tubal ligation, to make sure it never happens again. The nursing and hospital staff were wonderful and sensitive, as well as my OB, but no one ever wants to be in that position, trust me. I joined a support group, once, but it was for mothers who had lost their children before or shortly after birth. This was not the same thing. I felt dreadful for these women, because to miscarry a child and not know why is maddening. We made a decision and carried it through. It was bitter and painful, but we know we did the right thing. In the news letters I get from the prenatal loss organization, there are letters to the children they've lost on various milestones - birthdays, Christmasses, etc. I cannot do that, because to think, 'he would have been a year today', or 'what would he be doing now', or 'he'd be starting school today' would also have to be followed by 'When would we start to notice?' 'Would the symptoms have started to show now?' 'When would he have started to need a wheelchair?' 'When would the vegetative state start?' 'How long would he last?' And the reason we ended our son's life before birth was to prevent him from living a life in a body that would be come a prison for him. A short, miserable prison.

Do we miss him, our little Ben? Every day. I wish with all my heart that he had not had this cursed gene. But he did, and we did what we felt was right. Because I know that were we to see our son suffer in such a way, we would do anything to change it, take it away, prevent it. And that's what we did.

Today I am 17 weeks, 2 days pregnant with my second son. This child will not have the disease we have tried so hard to prevent passing on, because my cousin was so generous as to donate her eggs to us. She is not a carrier for adrenoleukodystrophy. Our son will not be condemned to die a slow painful death, at least, not from ALD. Sure, there are other problems in our family that will crop up: vison impairment, heart disease, cancer, alcoholism. We're not looking for a genetically superior child - we just wanted to prevent this one, terrible thing from being passed on. My child will not have my DNA, but that is such a tiny price to pay to ensure my son will be ALD free. A price I'd gladly pay again and again.

Mr. Right is somewhat 'sensitive' to things that are not seen or heard in the normal course of events. Two nights ago Mr. R had a visitation from Ben, who told him that he, Ben, wasn't ready for the first body but he was ready now.

You may take that with a grain of salt if you wish, after all, we have no proof. I have had visitations myself (only two), and it is quite different from a dream. It's hard to explain; one of those things that you need to experience to understand. I know that I would like to believe it and I choose to do so. Of course, I've seen enough of Mr. R's feelings and intuitions to see how many times he's been right. We're thrilled that our son's soul is coming back to us, into a body that will be better equipped for whatever it is he needs to accomplish in this life. We will give him the name we intended all along. Its his, after all... Our little Benjamin. [Henceforth referred to as "the Bee."]


At 11/02/2005 1:08 PM, Anonymous Tessy said...

I had 2 miscarriages before having my daughter and have wondered if perhaps that she is the same baby, but for some reason she just wasn't ready to come the first 2 times.

Not quite sure how my beliefs around this are, but I have wondered. It does make it a bit easier to deal with the loss(es) though.

Congrats on your healthy pregnancy.

At 11/02/2005 1:22 PM, Blogger Anna said...

I'm so sorry you had to suffer through 2 miscarriages.

In the Brian Weiss book "Only Love is Real", he discusses that many times when a child is miscarried or aborted, the soul will often come back; apparently this has to do with an agreement reached between the soul of the mother and the soul of the child, that perhaps the time is not right, or the body would not be strong enough.

It makes sense to me. Brian Weiss, PhD. is a psychiatrist who does work with past life regressions. I've found his research to be incredibly fascinating.

Thank you for your congratulations! : )

At 11/02/2005 2:41 PM, Blogger NME said...

I was incredibly moved by this post. I'm so happy for you that your Ben is coming back. What you did to safeguard the health of your child was incredibly sad and difficult - but I understand you did it for him and I commend you on your strength.

At 11/02/2005 3:25 PM, Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, darling... what an absolutely horrific decision you had to make... my heart absolutely goes out to you... and for what it's worth... I ABSOLUTELY believe that Ben sent you both messages.

Much love...

At 11/02/2005 4:00 PM, Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

I had a wee cry when I read this post. I am so pleased that everything is healthy now and your mom seems happy, and a little boy and just EVERYTHING!

At 11/02/2005 4:11 PM, Blogger Anna said...

You know, you guys make me all misty just reading your comments. Your words mean more than I can express. Thank you for being there. : )

At 11/02/2005 4:25 PM, Blogger Karen said...

My heart breaks for you that you had to make such a terrible choice with your first pregnancy. I'm so glad you have reached this milestone in your second pregnancy with a peaceful heart.

At 11/02/2005 5:33 PM, Blogger fisher queen said...

Weepy over here too. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

At 11/03/2005 10:44 AM, Blogger R said...

Oh my gosh I am crying. Thank you for this post. I have felt/seen things that can only be L's twin. It is the weirdest, strangest thing. And now maybe I have a name for it.


At 11/04/2005 9:54 AM, Blogger Captain Hambone said...

What an amazing post.

And more, what an amazing thing to happen to someone who really needed and deserved it. I really really am thrilled for you. And Benjamin is a beautiful name. Best wishes for the next few months!

And maybe this isn't along the same lines, really, but I just read a fascinating book called Expecting Adam by Martha Beck (I think). It is the true story of a woman expecting a Down's syndrome child. And while I know that's not what you're dealing with here, the book is also about connecting with what you sense is happening around you with a pregnancy, whether other people believe it or not. I think you would really like it. It was a wonderful, inspiring book - my friend whose baby died shortly after birth recommended it and said it was a comforting read for her.

At 11/09/2005 5:21 PM, Blogger Suz said...

Expecting Adam is a wonderful book; I'm a skeptical person, but I loved some of the ideas in it as well as your feeling that Ben has returned to the body he was meant to have all along. What a gorgeous and heartfelt post.

At 11/14/2005 2:02 PM, Blogger cheryl b. said...

I came here from Tertia's comments (anyone who quotes Fight Club needs to be checked out) and I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry for the terrible choice you had to make and that I am so so happy for you now. I am so glad that your Ben is going to be with you at last.

At 11/15/2005 7:59 PM, Blogger April said...

Beautiful, incredibly moving post. Thank you for sharing it with us.

At 11/17/2005 1:07 PM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Anna, thank you so much for that beautiful and touching post. It must have been so difficult to write. I'm so glad things are turning out so much better for you now, and that you have such wonderful comfort in Ben's visitation. What a beautiful, comforting thought that he's coming back.

Wondering how you are now, and how things are going.

At 11/17/2005 7:29 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Thanks, Kath. That was hard to write, but I feel like I have to get this out somehow. I'm doing okay, just been swamed lately with deadlines. I hope things get better for you, although I'm glad to ead that you've been keeping busy. Just remember to get some sleep!
I'm working on my next post; I'll try t get it up soon.

At 11/21/2005 5:42 PM, Blogger Vivien said...

I know it's late to leave a post on this entry now, but I just wanted to say I am sure you have absolutely made the right decisions and how awful for you to have to. (I hope you NEVER doubt that decision and I am sure Ben's visit to Ron was to reassure you of that).

I feel so strongly that 'support groups' often get things wrong - even with the best intentions.
Personally I am avoiding 'support groups' but reading such incredibly moving posts by other women with such similar experiences and feelings to mine is incredibly comforting to me.
I do hope you get comfort too.


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