Monday, June 04, 2007

Less Ugly Post-Birth Saga, Episode 3

And now... the conclusion. Here is the letter I received from N (after having sent her a thank you note and letter detailed in the previous post):
Dearest Anna,

Thank you for your beautiful letter and most kind words. You need to know, I pray for you and Mr. R amd your dear son every day, and know that your sweetness is the result. I have a tremendous respect for you as well and look forward to the hug; you can be assured I'll be hugging you back. I'm also happy to hear Mr. R's posture is softening as well; he was only trying to protect his family and must have felt very threatened to say the things he did. My apologies again for bringing him to that brink.

As I get older, it is becoming more aparent that nothing is as it seems.

I have watched your dear mother suffer first the abuse of her father, then the torment of witnessing her son develop symptoms of a disease she realized she'd passed on to him, the disappointment and disbelief of a failed marriage, the struggle and heartbreat of a divorce, her bitterness and sadness of not feeling capable to attend your wedding... the list goes on.. Your mom always seems to be in the midst of a crisis... and so it goes.

I love her very much and try to spend as much time with her as my life allows. At this moment in time, she is struggling for survival. With your brother so close to death and your dad so angry she is grasping at anything that will keep her afloat. She has lost 30 pounds in the last 6 moths; she isn't eating properly and it is affecting her physically, emotionally and psychologically. She isn't talking to anyone meaningful (psychologist or psychiatrist) but continues to self-medicate - a sleeping pill or muscle relaxant here, an anti-depressant there... maybe a little alcohol before bed. She is often irrational, irritable and most notably inconsolable. At this moment in time, her state of being is most fragile.

She loves you very much, Anna; she wants and needs the relationship you speak of so tenderly but doesn't know how to go about attaining it. She is often her own worst enemy, regurgitating old hurts and disappointments and unable to look forward to the future and better times. I don't know what advice to give you except to pray for patience and hope you can facilitate in the healing that way. I can assure you it's definitely worth the effort; she has so much love to give and is feeling very alone in the world. It's a void I can't fill with time or money.

I also know how difficult it is to be with someone whose temperment is always an issue; my relationship with my father was strained until I decided to take control of it. I made it a policy to contact him about once a week (that was all I could take for a while)... but I called when it was convenient for me and when I had time to talk - or more accurately, listen to him ramble on about some insane thing or another. I knew what to expect when I got on the phone with him and when I hung up it was always with the promise of speaking to him again soon. It worked for me. I was able to muster up the resolve I needed to have the conversation and always felt better when the call was completed; I know it made difference to him as well.

I know I will be seeing you in the near future. I'm so sorry you're losing your brother; he is surely going to a better place, where he can see God's face and won't need his chair or legs. He will be missed but never forgotten. Knowing him has been a blessing in all our lives and the world is a better place because of him. I don't know if you're aware of the sculpture he did for me... it's enormous and lives in my backyard just behind the pool. I will always remember his creativity, enthusiasm and sincerity.

Much love and prayers for the days ahead.
With love,

PS: Please be discrete about who you allow to read this. I'm trusting your goal is the same as mine - to heal the wounds that divide your family. Blessings to you all.

I haven't shared that letter with anyone, even Mr. Right, until now. Because to be honest, I don't want to hold on to anger and resentment. I could say, "Oh yeah? Fuck you! You wrote that horrible e-mail!" But then I would be discounting the things that were said afterwards and those have to be taken into account as well. I chose to accept her letter at face value; I also take into account that N is a Sagitarius; they have a tendency to talk first and think afterwards. Mr. R calls this "Foot in Mouth disease"... He should know, he's a Sag rising. It's also a fire sign, so they can be a bit agressive. I'm an earth sign; in fact, my chart comprises of seven earth signs, four water and an air. So, ladies and gents, my name is mud. Literally. No fire. What's also interesting is that Mr. R has no water signs. None. And the Bee has only one earth sign (we both have the same ascendent). If you're curious about yours, you can look it up here for free.

Aside from that little astrological tangent, the choice is mine. Where do I want to go with this?
I'll be back soon with more, my comments on N's letter, Manuela's questions and more stuff as I try to figure out how I feel about my mother. It's helpful for me to try to work through all this stuff in the privacy of my own internet. Thank you for your comments and your support. You guys, as always, rock.


At 6/04/2007 7:38 PM, Blogger Manuela said...

My only issue here, Anna... is that as nice as her letter was, I didn't see a true apology in there.

I saw an apology for upsetting Mr. R, which is not the same thing as apologizing for your actions.

Sorry, feeling equally protective of you... can't help it.

At 6/05/2007 10:16 AM, Blogger Anna said...

Yeah, I think I kinda glossed over that in my head. I'm definitely not excusing her actions though.

At 6/08/2007 3:18 PM, Blogger Em said...

So, how do we manage Mama? I hate to put it that way, but that is how I see this.

At 6/08/2007 3:22 PM, Blogger Em said...

Eek-Sorry! Please erase my previous comment. I was trying to comment and accidentally pasted a random snippet form something else I read earlier. Freaky computers.

BTW, my comment was to compliment you on how you dealt with the situation.

At 6/09/2007 7:57 PM, Anonymous Meira said...

Hey -- it was nice meeting you today. Your mom sounds a lot like mine, and I'm sorry about that!

I thought the letter from N was nice. It's onvious she's trying to get you to establish regular contact your mom, but I thought that her including her insight into your mom and her experiences with her dad was a gentler way of going about it. Does it make up for her actions? I don't know -- I wonder if that's something only you could know by 'searching your heart' while you're with her.

As for the astrology thing: I'm an aries, my husband is a leo, and my oldest is a sagittarius. Then I got pregnant with the twins and they were due 4/10, I was very nervous that they were going to come early & be pisces! But no, they were born on 3/24 -- it's a very warm house, lol.


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