Friday, May 12, 2006

Curse You, Magnesium!

I took quite a while to dilate - I seemed to hold on to 4 cm forever, then I suddenly jumped to 7, then 10 at around 4:00 am on Sunday, April 2. I started pushing, which was tough between not being able to feel due to the epidural, and feeling drugged, due to the magnesium. Gosh, I wanted so badly just to be alert for the birth! We used a mirror so I could see my progress, but the magnesium also relaxed the muscles in my eyes so it was hard to focus. I do recall being concened about pushing so hard that I would break blood vessls in my face, but I avoided that occurence. The nurse said I was doing great, which surprised the hell out of me. How on earth could you tell? She put her finger in my vagina and said "feel this: it's your baby's head!" I felt the top of his head with my hand - I couldn't believe it was there, or that I could feel it. I just couldn't get anywhere trying to push it out. Mr. Right was quiet throughout this whole thing, and the nurse made a comment about it, probably because she's used to expectant dad's cheerleading their wives (which I think is great, BTW). Mr. R told me later he was quiet because he was concentrating on my vitals, the baby's fetal monitor strips, what the nurse was doing, what I was doing... making sure no one made a mistake.

By 7:00 am my OB came back and told me to take a nap, then push again in 20 minutes to see where we are. I was so exhausted, that yes, I napped during labor. The last hurrah went nowhere, so he told us he'd like to do a C-section. I said - "by all means: go right ahead!" I also asked him that while he was in there, could he please perform a tubal ligation. I had thought about this for months and decided this would be the most practical approach. If we were going to get pg again, it would need to be through IVF, whether with my eggs or with my cousins. I couldn't bear the thought of needing to terminate another pregnancy due to an affected or carrier baby. I never want to go through that again. Hence my decision, and after explaining this to my OB, he said he would certainly take care of it.

The got the team ready and brought me into the OR. I had always hoped to be able to see the baby being born, but not only did they have the screen up, I couldn't lift my head due to the magnesium. I felt so out of it. Thankfully Mr. Right was there on my right side and could relay the events as they unfolded. He said that as soon as the Bee's head "popped" out of the incision, he was crying and his lower lip was trembling. Bee was delivered, cord cut by the doctors, and whisked away for tests and to be cleaned up. When I first heard him cry, I cried too. It ws awful not being able to see him. So much for starting off bonding. It was terribly uncomfortable when they stuffed my uterus back into my abdominal incision - Mr. R said it was surreal to watch this, and he was glad I couldn't see.

After they put everything back in it's proper place and tied my tubes, I remember being in the recovery room. Mr. R brought the Bee over for me to see him - he was so fuzzy becase I couldn't focus clearly. I couldn't even speak properly, my toungue was heavy and I had such a hard time controlling any of my muscles. Later, when I started to nurse him, I could barely make out his face. Now that was frustrating. My in-laws were there, and Mr. Right called my Dad, who came down right after his 10:00 am service and brought me roses. People were happy and excited, and I ws so relieved he was healthy (9 & 9 apgar scores, can't argue with that), but I felt so strange. Sad, that this little being was no longer inside me, discarded because biologically, he didn't come from my egg. I wondered if Mr. R's parent's would be this happy of the situation had been revsersed and we had used a sperm donor. (I voiced this to Mr. R later and he assured me that they would). This feeling did wear off, but it was a little unsettling there for a while.

The magnesium didn't wear off until Tuesday night, and my MIL stayed with me during the day to help out - Boy was I grateful!

Wee one is crying for his supper, so we'll catch up again later, shall we? Be well!

5 Comments:

At 5/18/2006 9:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats for you! So glad things turned out so well. Enjoy your little one.

 
At 5/21/2006 7:48 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Anna, thank you for part 2. What a moving story!

I'm sorry the birth turned out so differently than you had hoped. But I'm so glad it went smoothly, and that Ben is here.

 
At 6/09/2006 8:52 AM, Blogger Vivien said...

I just read this, after leaving a comment on the post with the photo of your gorgeous baby.
I cannot really imagine, but I am sure the birth is the most extraordinarily emotional as well as completely exhausting time. Never mind that you also had to deal with the effect of all these drugs and an unplanned c-section. I am so sorry about your feelings of being 'discarded'. I am quite sure nobody could ever think of this baby as anything but 100 per cent yours. Biology? You have borne this baby because you wanted him so badly. That much I do understand. And I know I admire you for having been through all that you have had to go through to get here. Give yourself a big hug. You did it. Well done. Really, well done.

 
At 7/19/2006 10:02 PM, Blogger Worryier Warrior said...

OMG!!! I hope that you read this and soon... My DH and I have been trying to do the same thing now for 18 months... my complete story would take a completely seperate blog... maybe I should start one of my own... Anywhoo... I would love to talk to you more about your experience with PGD/IVF as we have just finished a failied cycle #1... I have found it incredibly difficult to find any support of any kind during this journey... How tought this one is... no problem getting pg... just not pg with a healthy wee one...

please email me if you would love to chat... terrimarlett@yahool.com

 
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