Always On My Mind...
As I mentioned in my last post, there's a ton of things on my mind. Awake and sleeping, as my dreams lately have centered around abandonment issues of the parental sort. (My parents). These dreams have been aggravating. It's so incredibly nice that I can wake up next to my loving husband with my delightful son sleeping next door.
One thing I've been thinking about for quite a while is this site I came across months ago. I have a section on the bottom right of this blog of sites that link to my site, and I saw this unfamiliar site listed there. Curious, I clicked and was a little taken aback. The vitriol this woman has for reproductive technology is rather disturbing. I can't quite get over the fact that she opines children of gamete donation are raised by strangers, not their "real" parents. That biology is all that matters; love means nothing. Naturally, I take issue with this view point. She terms reproductive technology the "baby trade" and likens babies to slaves. Unless these babies in question are being raised as animals to perform menial tasks for no compensation, I really find this comparison to be a bit extreme. Usually, (I would think) babies resulting from ART are very much wanted and loved, and cherished dearly throughout their lives. I'm sure there are a number of children who are born or adopted only to fulfill a need or emptiness in the parent(s), and wanting to love and rear a child is secondary to the need to be loved. She does link to sites of people born from donor insemination who were terribly unhappy upon discovering they were the result of a sperm donation.
It's a lot of food for thought... I'm curious to hear the thoughts of those of you who would like to explore it. Oh, and she links here and sums up my blog as "woman raising boy conceived by cousin's egg." Yeah, that really encompasses the love the three of us share. It doesn't matter that my blood flowed through his veins, that I nourished him enwombed, that my milk provided him with sustenance and boosted his immune system. It doesn't matter that I chose a practical solution instead of risking passing on an awful disease to a much loved child. That I sacrificed passing on my own DNA. Apparently the only thing that matters, is that my son does not possess half of my DNA. It seems bizarre and naive to break it down so simplistically.
However. However...I do know the truth. I know I'd never be able to explain it to this woman, she'd never get it. Oh, and by the way, best wishes to Drowned Girl, who is pregnant thus far with donor egg FET. Yay! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
So... Your thoughts?
P.S.: Still hoping to hear from anyone who can put me in touch with the Fisher Queen!
posted by Anna @ Monday, August 13, 2007
8 comments
8 Comments:
I think those who are too blinkered to see that families are made, and not born, have their own problems.
I know there are those who deny the validity of same sex couples, stepfamilies and anyone who falls out of the norm.
I can imagine that a donor-conceived child just doesn't fit into such a world view.
Now, personally, I feel a donor conceived child is entitled to know the truth, from as early as possible. Discovering something that has been a secret for a long time, is surely a shock. And the significance of the genetic link will surely vary from child to child. But it's no more of an issue that many others surrounding families.
I've seen that sight before. DI Dad linked to it. I'm entitled to my opinions, so I guess she's entitled to hers.
Yuck. Reminds me of Comic Mom, or whatever her name was. But opinions are like assholes...everyone has one. I don't let people like that bother me, I have enough issues with relatives on DH's side, to worry about what strangers think. We are very open, and I tell everyone who seems interested. The more we "get it out there," the less bizarre it will seem to others and hopefully, a non-issue when our children are older, much like IVF conceived children are becoming, now. I did grab a few links from her site, though. Yay! More people like us out there!
I visited that woman's blog, and I was surprised by all the vitriol. It hurt a little, knowing that it was directed at people like me, who've conceived using donors (in my case, donor eggs). Personally, I believe that life begins at conception, so I have a lot of discomfort with many of the issues that arise within infertility treatment. But I also know that not everyone shares my viewpoint, and I certainly don't hate people who think differently than I do. It seems like the woman has more venom than love inside.
We are in the telling camp. My daughter is three, and she knows that mommy needed help from a doctor to have her. We have some age-appropriate books, but she hasn't shown much interest. As the years go by, I think that if she wanted to have a relationship with with the donor, I could be OK with that. Unfortunately, the only program we were offered was an anonymous one. I did save the background materials, and I have an idea what the donor's first name is (because the clinic staff referred to me by that name once when I called in with a question, after pulling my file, and the name that they used matched the first initial of the two-initial code we were given to identify her by).
In the end, though, I think that the best I can do is to convey to my daughter how very, very much she was wanted. And to love her with all my heart.
Hi Anna,
Thank you for commenting on my blog. I have posted an entry about your entry - I invite you to visit!
VT
I stumbled on this blog the other day & just had to comment on this post. I had a baby last year "naturally" - no donated anything. For whatever hormonal or emotional reasons, I was very concerned that she knew I was her mother even from an early age. I think that's why I was so emotionally attached to nursing her instead of formula. Anyone could give her formula, only mommy could give her breastmilk. As she has grown, that seems almost silly to me. No one - not even her father - knows what she needs when she needs it the way I do. At any moment, I can tell you when she will need to sleep next, whether or not her diaper needs checking and when and how much she will eat next. The way I take care of her, not my biology is what makes me her mother. And really, which is harder: carrying around a baby in your belly or having a live, crawling baby full of round the clock needs for you to meet?
This comment has been removed by the author.
Re: above deleted post- that's what happens when I don't proofread before posting!)
Thank you all for your supportive comments - always so nice to hear!
Thank you, Anonymous, for your recent comment.
I'm glad you understand this, too. I never imagined I could love someone so much. Our son is such a wonderful child, and as he's just turned 2, he's willfull and throws a fit when he doesn't get his way. It's a challenge to parent him, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am so very grateful (every day) to have the opportunity to be a mother, to guide him and teach him, love and encourage him. I'm learning just as much as he is!
Congratulations on your daughter! Enjoy your time with her. I'm sure you hear it all the time (I do, too), but they DO grow up so quickly! Happy (early) Mother's Day!
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