Sunday, July 31, 2005

Tomorrow is Yet Another Hurdle

I'm so anxious about tomorrow. I get up early in the morning to be on the road by 5:30 a.m. to go for my beta. I will find out if this has worked, or if we need to come up with a new plan. We don't even know if there are any frozen embryos; the embryology lab will send us a letter letting us know the summary of our eggs, including how many (if any) were frozen. It'd be nice to know this information upon cryopreservation, but that's not how things are done in this lab. If we are without frozen embryos, I wouldn't ask my cousin to donate again. She was medically cleared to fly on Thursday, July 28th, so we got her on the first available fight the following morning. Her bloating and fluid retention has resolved, and she's happy to be back home even if it's only for a week - she leaves for her final semester on Aug. 5. I felt terrible that she had the complications that she did (DH felt even worse), but she didn't mind, and is already saying that it wasn't that bad. Aside from that, her schedule wouldn't allow that kind of time off until next summer. Her sister, S who is 23, has volunteered as well, but she's out of school and working - hard to take a month off.

I want this to work desperately - but just because I want it (along with everyone else we know), doesn't mean it will happen. I held a one month old this weekend. Our in laws had us over for dinner on Friday and invited their 24 year old neighbor. She's married to a 52 year old pilot, had a 2 1/2 year old and the baby. Dh & I took turns holding the baby, Chris. He was so sweet, and so wee! Mr. Right was great with him, although nervous like he thought he might break him. I was happy holding him, but also thought, I hope I can create one of these guys (or at least have one). Emotionally, I still feel at fault, although intellectually I know that I am not. I do, however, believe that we choose our lives - the people we're born to, what we do along the way, people we meet. Of course, when we're born we forget all of this and we can make the wrong decisions. Our gut / instinct lets us know if we're doing something we're not supposed to - it just doesn't feel right. Inversely, our gut 'clicks' if we are doing what we're supposed to, in order to learn whatever lesson we need to learn in this lifetime. So from that standpoint, I did choose to have this mutation - to learn what ever lesson I need to in life. You learn more with adversity and challenge than you do without it.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy - that's certainly not my intention. It's just what I happen to believe, what makes sense to me.

I awoke sad this morning; I had a dream that Margaret, my nurse called and told me the beta was negative. It was pretty realistic, but then I also recalled I was with Sydney Bristow at the time, and we were all dressed up in a hotel in an unspecified foreign country guarding one of the four exits and looking for Mike Myers. And handing out insulin syringes. (Sydney Bristow is Jennifer Gardner's character on Alias, a spy show on ABC. I'm fairly addicted). So this probably means nothing, except I'm worried that my beta will be negative.

Of course, if my beta is positive, I will immediately do the happy dance, celebrate my 4th wedding anniversary with my husband on the 2nd, and pray the 2nd beta shows appropriate doubling. Just another hurdle... Thanks in advance for all your luck and well wishes. Que sera, sera.


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