Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Tabula Rasa

After Ben's death, my friend J was coming in to visit that weekend. I had told her two days before what was going on and was glad she was coming. She was a help to DH & I, and I cried so hard my eye lids became swollen. We all talked a lot and cried that weekend. On Monday we showed up for work like nothing had happened. (On the outside. On the inside, we were still so very raw).

Soon we started to contemplate our next cycle. As least we knew I could carry, which was helpful. I mean, I'd never done it before, so how does one know unless one does? We started looking towards November for the next start date and planning accordingly. I couldn't wait to get pregnant again - maybe Ben would come back to us; we both hoped he would. (By this we mean his soul; we know that the individual Ben was and could have been is gone, never to return).

This gave us a goal, something to look forward to. We also booked our long weekend trip to London with L & K for the end of October and we couldn't wait for our little getaway, either. I went back to the IVF place for day three blood work, and got a bit of a surprise in September: my hCG level was 51. I was on the pill (and using condoms), so we knew we couldn't be pregnant again. They performed an ultrasound and discovered some retained tissue with blood flow. It appeared that a part of the placenta remained, and still had blood flow. Well, that was a bit of a surprise! I spoke with my nurse to discuss our options, and called my OB for a hysteroscopy. He was able to take me in mid October, before our trip. I was also pleased to learn that the flight and ensuing trip would not affect me after the procedure. We scheduled the hysteroscopy, which had to be converted to a surgical suction. I had no idea - I was out, and apparently had a catheter and endotracheal intubation. It went smoothly and they were able to evacuate all remaining placental tissue. When I woke up I was told they were able to get everything out; now we could start with a clean slate. Literally!


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