Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Updates All Around

Yes, I realize I've been awful since the Bee's arrived about posting. I'm averaging once a month which is shoddy as hell, but damnit, it's so hard to find the frickin' time!

Here's my daily schedule: I get up at 5:30 a.m. and pump. Since my pump is malfunctioning nad only one side works at a time, I eat while pumping to ge the most out of my time (time is the increasingly valuable commodity). Then I shower, do any dishes in the sink, dry my hair; by this time it's 8:00 a.m. and we get baby bee up for the day. We nurse, then finish breakfast in the highcair with oatmeal and fruit. My FIL shows up at some point (after 9:00 a.m., but before 10:00 a.m.). I go to work (easy commute, right downstairs), then pump again around 11 or 12. Keep working, then pump around 3 or 4. If I'm on a deadline, pumping gets pushed back until the deadline is no longer an issue. I finish work around 5 or 6 pm (again, depending on deadline). I go home, usually nurse the Bee, then feed him dinner (rice cereal & fruit). I get him changed into PJs, we play for a while then start to wind down at about 8p.m. We nurse, then read bedtime story (Goodnight Moon), then Bee goes down for bed by 8:30 p.m. Mr. R & I eat dinner (he usually cooks), watch some telly, and then I doze off on the couch by 10:00 before Mr. R gets me up to tuck me in. That's generally it. So where the heck do I find time to post? I have limited time to try to get stuff done at work. When I've got a dealine, everything else gets sacrificed, including eating if I'm pressed for time enough. That's just the nature of my job which I love, but naturally I'd rather be with my son. Right now Mr. Right is Christmas shopping, so that gives me some time to get caught up on my blog reading and writing. Yay! My Christmas shopping? All online. When the heck am I supposed to get out? I'm not complaining - I realize working downstairs from where you live is a huge advantage and I'm grateful for it, but that's why we bought this building. Sometimes we can work very late, and we didn't want to have to commute far when we're working until 11 or 12 at night. And no matter what time I go to bed, I still have to get up at 5:30. Unless I oversleep, which makes a mess of everything.

So, um, yeah, that's why I don't get to post as much as I'd like. I'm just saying...

••••••

On the breastfeeding front, I'm still at it. I've tried lots of things to try to increase the supply (thank you all so much for your wonderful words of encouragement and support, all your suggestions! You guys rock!); what wound up working the best was a prescription fo Reglan from my OB. I was stunned at the results and really saw an increase. Then the crimson bitch arrived and fucked it all up. So I'm going back on it. There are some side effects, but I didn't experience any of them, which was nice. I'd like to keep nursing regularly for a year, then cut back to just morning and night nursing for a while, until he looses interest but not too late. I guess we'll just play it by ear.

•••••

Bee is doing just great - he's crawling! He started right before Thanksgiving and is now going everywhere he can. He's smiling and laughing and developing a great sense of humor. His latest thing is to try to eat your nose! He thinks it's great fun, and it's certainly messy as he's drooling a lot. He's teething; one tooth on the upper left has come in, but the matching tooth on the right has yet to make its appearance. He's adorable and sweet; just when we think he can't possibly get any cuter he does. Everytime we go out people tell us how adorable he is, and while we always say thank you, we're really just as impressed: we never thought we'd ever have a child this cute (indeed, I never thought we'd ever even have a child). We really like him and so glad he's in our lives.

••••••

The relationship with my mother has been much better, in that she's much more pleasant and talkative. Not having to worry about my brother is a tremendous relief for her, although she's sad that he's gone. I still need to keep my guard up with her, but I'm glad she's pleasant and taken an interest in her grandson.

My brother seems to have been visitng me lately. A few weeks ago, I noticed that the television was on when I got up early in the morning to pump. What grabbed my attention wwas that the TV was on video 2; we atch it on video 1, which is the setting for the Ti*Vo. This means that the televison is on with a picture but no sound, as the receiver wasn't on. I thought it was kind of flukey at first, but then I realized something else was going on. When it was on, I would talk to my brother. It was good to talk with him, but I found myself frustrated that I couldn't hear him. It wasn't on every day; I slept in one Sunday morning and it wasn't on then. I checked the timer on the TV, but the timer wasn't set because the clock wasn't set. On a Thursday morning, I spoke to the room and asked my brother if this was really him, to not put the TV on tomorrow, then I would know it was him. I was thinking this might be a way I could communicate with him, you know, ask him yes or no questions. The TV was on Friday morning, so I thought maybe it was just some weird electrical glitch. It stayed off for the next few days. Then I wondered if he didn't want to come back. I spoke with my therapist, who thought maybe my brother was showing up so that I could tell him the stuff I didn't get to tell him before he died. So during my therapy appointment on Tuesday, I asked him to come by, to let me know with the TV on so I could talk with him. Wednesday morning, nothing. Thursday morning it was on. I was happy and excited. I went into the living room, looked at the flickering light on the TV and told him I was really happy he was there. The television turned off in front of me. "Okay, I totally get it now, it's definitely you. Sorry I was so thick before..." I proceeded to tell him about how his behavior over the past 8 years bothered me, what he had done that hurt me. I hoped he had left his anger anrd bitterness behind him, that it was so important to let go. I let him know that I remembe him young and strong with hair, that I think of all the fun and good memories we shared over the years. I told him about my anger and frustration with my mother, for what she had done to him. I thanked hime for his very existence, for choosing his life which was essentially a sacrifice. He developed symptoms early in his adulthood. This altered our entire family to the presence of this disease. Because of this knowledge, we were able to prevent this disease from being passed on to the Bee. For that, I am eternally grateful and I told him so.

The TV went on several times throughout the day and hasn't been on since. I have a feeling that he'd return if I asked him to. I did tell him he's welcome into our home whenever he wants to visit, provided he doesn't bring any negative energy. I'm grateful I got to have that closure with him, and I'm really glad he came to visit.

••••••

I feel completely unprepared for Christmas this year. I can't believe it's on Monday. Still have to get a few presents, for Dad's partner, mostly. Other things I've ordered but they haven't arrived yet. We celebrated with my mom and SIL this past weekend which was very pleasant. It was pretty much the opposite of last year (she cried while opening our presents, didn't feed me anything (well, I did find a banana), and disasterized everything). So this year was a vast improvement. Saturday we're seeing my dad and his parner, then it's to my ILs for Christmas Eve. Christmas morning the three of us will celebrate then it's off to the airport to fly to aunt C's house. We'll be there until the 1st when we'll return to the Northeast. We're really looking forward to it; let's see how the muffin does on his trip.

•••••

I'm completely wiped and falling asleep while I type so I'm wrapping it up for now. I'll try to update again soon, and I wish you all a very happy holiday season.

2 Comments:

At 12/24/2006 12:05 AM, Blogger luolin said...

When you update, you really go all out! I'm glad things are going well. Good luck travelling with Ben!

 
At 1/02/2007 3:19 PM, Anonymous kim.kim said...

Santa isn't for everyone. What a beautiful post about your brother, I found you through Manuela.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home