Can Open, Worms Everywhere...

We were pretty saddened by the results of our first cycle. Mr. Right was particularly hurt. He knew he wanted children, he just didn't realize how much until my hCG levels went to 0. I felt the same way, which in its own way was good - at least we knew we were on the right track.

We regrouped, figured out what would be the next favorable astrological sign, and planned our next cycle in late July of 2004. We had about five months to relax and get our ducks in a row before starting up again. No problem! Well...

About the 3rd week into April, I was feeling especially randy (not unusal, considering I was also ovulating). I let my dear husband aware of my intentions and we had quite a bit of fun that evening ; ) As events wound down, we realized the condom had slipped off. We were concerned initally, but Mr. R said he had just had a special moment the day before, so we figured "immature sperm!" No worries! As I write this, I realize this sounds like something coming from a 16 year old, but no - I was 33.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

On May 16th, after coming back from a friend's son's christening, we decided to take a hpt. This was the 40th day of my cycle and even though I was feeling a bit crampy, we decided to just make sure.

You cannot imagine seeing the second, faint pink line and feeling panic - What if it's affected? To want to get pregnant so badly and be so afraid of getting pregnant at the same time is just odd - and I will never get used to it. This wasn't safe, it wasn't planned. It was the 'old fashioned' way, which for us was a scary concept.

I told Mr. R; he thought I was kidding. We immediately thought of termination. I also called my aunt Cyna, who is the greatest godsend of a woman. She was supportive of our decision, whatever it was. She has been there for me in ways my own mother never could. (She called me every day of my IVF cycle to see how I was feeling, what my results were, what my meds were. She was so excited for us! She was always so happy and cheerful; laughter just flowed from her lips and it was so natural! She's 180º different from my mother, but that's a post for another day).

The next day I called Planned Parenthood. I actually went to Planned Parenthood. Everyone there was kind and sensitive, and I scheduled the abortion later that week. As I talked this whole situation over with Mr. R, we kept wondering: but what if it's healthy? There certainly was that possibility. So I cancelled the appointment & called my ob/gyn.

We were going to find out just where this would lead us.